Wow, it is hard for me to believe that I have been living with Type 1 Diabetes for 6 months now. It still seems like just yesterday that I was diagnosed and being administered shots by my mom, who is a nurse, because I was petrified to go near the needle. It has been such an intense roller coaster, but I finally feel like I have accepted it.
There was a period of time, where I went through extreme grieving and sadness. Waking up in the middle of the night and every morning, with the first thing coming to my mind, being that I HAVE DIABETES. I was so scared for myself, petrified that I was climbing too deep into a dark hole of despair. I was suicidal, not leaving my house, some days just staying in bed crying. My diagnoses coincided with the end of an incredible 4 month trip around Europe. I was sailing on such a high cloud when I got home, and then crashed. I had a disease, no money, no job and was living at my moms house. I felt depleted.
As I began to learn more about the disease and to meet more people within the community who were also learning to live with it, my hope was raised a little. I began going to therapy, and participating in a 4 year long study, which will assist me in getting my medication and supplies.
I suffered a lot (and still do) from the weight gain as a result of insulin therapy and blood sugar stabilization. As someone who has always had body image and depression issues, this has been one of the biggest struggles for me. I am having a hard time feeling safe and comfortable in my own skin, but am literally just taking it one day at a time. What else can I do? Every time I give myself a shot of insulin, a myriad of thoughts pop into my head, a little angel and devil opposing each other. But, I just do it. For now at least, I know that I want to live long, and be a healthy 90 year old who is climbing mountains still. I want to have my own babies someday, and bring them into a world with a healthy and happy mama.
I absolutely have my days of disappointment, anger, days when I throw my hands up in the air and pretend I don't have diabetes for a few hours. I am okay with this. I don't need to be a perfect diabetic, just the best one that I am capable of being. My diet is stellar, I exercise daily, I take Sam-e supplements which aid in lifting my mood, I am in therapy, I am on top of my insulin therapy. When I was diagnosed, my blood sugar was greater than 14. In just 3 months, I had brought it down to half that-7.7. Now, I need to give myself a pat on the back.
I am owning this disease. Before, I didn't want everyone to know what I was experiencing. I finally got myself a medical ID tag, and happily and openly tell people exactly why I am weighing that half an apple on my digital scale, or why I have to tun down the freshly baked chocolate chip cookie this time. Even though I do feel frustrated when people begin to tell me about my own disease, or start talking about their grandpa who had type 2 diabetes, I know they mean it with kindness and support. I take it as an opportunity to teach them something new, and share my experience with them.
Well, I am doing this good 6 months in, so I have high hopes for the future-may it be long and filled with adventure and goodness, diabetes and all.