As some of you know I have bipolar disorder. Sometimes I swing into depression. In spite of the awesome autumn weather and the realization that there is absolutely nothing to be upset about, things are not right with me at present.
I am already on a bunch of medications to control my moods, most of them are really toxic, Abilify, Depakote for mood stabilization, Cymbalta and Klonopin for anxiety and depression and Modafinil to keep me awake because the other ones cause a slow metabolism. I have tried to get off of these medications for years and every time I do it creates problems. I am as dependent on these medications as I am on insulin. Sometimes they just make things worse.
When I am feeling depressed, as I am today, I have a hard time believing that I am doing anything on this earth besides taking up space. I don't feel sorry for myself, because I know that everyone has their burdens to bear but are there other people out there who have this problem and have conquered it and may I ask how? Is anyone like me or am I totally alone on this one?
My biggest fear is that I will get so depressed that I will let my diabetes go. Right now I should be outside in the fresh air walking. Can somebody help me out of this mess? This site always has the nicest and supportive people, lots of people in control. I just feel exhausted and like giving up lately. I do not want to backslide. I lost 20 pounds and got my AIC from an 8.1 to a 6.6 and my blood sugars were stable. I had energy. I should be happy. What happened? I am afraid this depression will last long enough to get me out of control once more and I don't think I can keep starting over again and again. This week I have been bad, kind of giving up and having diabetes burnout. I hate myself when I get like this. I am like a different person, not my normal self. Just less than a few months ago things were so different.
Sometimes having diabetes and bipolar disorder sucks. I feel so alone, like I am the only one who knows what it feels like to have these conditions. It is just invisible misery. I have to keep smiling to hide the truth. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.