On June 20th, 2011, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I had been showing symptoms for months but I just never thought to be tested or go to the doctor. I was drinking tons and tons and peeing all the time and for a few weeks I'd been feeling really weak. I thought I was sick from not eating right or exercising enough so I just tried to eat healthier and I just felt worse and worse. Finally I went to work one morning and felt so terrible that I called my mom and asked her to make me an appointment. At the doctor they tested me for mono first, which came up negative and then after I told the doctor my symptoms he decided to test my blood glucose. They just used a normal glucometer but a number wouldn't even come up because they only read to 500 and mine must have been higher. Normal is 70-110. The nurse was coming in and out of the room and whispering to the doctor and he told me he was sending me to the ER. Luckily my mom was with me to drive me there and the doctor called ahead to tell them I was coming. At the ER I was hooked up to an IV and they gave me 10 units of insulin. They told me I would have to stay overnight and I called my boyfriend, Colin, and asked him to bring me clothes. Colin and my mom stayed with me until at about 9pm they decided to let me go home for the night because my glucose was down to the 200s. I had an appointment with an endocrinologist the next morning. He showed me how to test my blood glucose and how to give myself insulin. I learned a million things in about 24 hours. I'm probably leaving tons out but it was so much happening so quickly. I don't think I comprehended what was going on for a while anyway. I've been trying to be positive and think of it only as an inconvenience but it's been really hard to do. I feel like my whole life is flipped upside down. I can't eat what I want and I'm having to give myself insulin shots atleast 5 times a day. Those things I can live with. The part that sucks is that it's affecting everything in my life negatively. I never feel like myself. While my blood sugars are trying to adjust to the new levels I'm constantly having mood swings, getting weak, having headaches, and losing concentration. Everything I do is somehow centered around diabetes now. I have to calculate what I'm eating and how much insulin to take. I need to record every blood glucose count which are like 5-10 a day. If I'm talking I suddenly lose my train of thought or get a headache. Last night I was sweating though my clothes. I was fostering kittens and I had to take them back to work because I physically don't have the energy to take care of them. I can't walk my dogs because I feel like I'll pass out after half a block. I truly am feeling like my life is over right now. I feel like no one around me understands what I am going through. My parents have been beyond supportive and helpful and Colin has been helping me with everything. I just don't know how to express that it isn't the shots or the eating. It's the fact that I don't feel like I exist any more. Every second I'm thinking about something diabetes related. I feel like one of those caterpillars with a wasp larvae in it and my only purpose is to have diabetes and feed the wasp baby. I don't want to talk about it and worry about it all the time. It doesn't stop for 5 minutes. I know it gets easier once it's under control but that feels like forever from now. It's putting strain on my relationship with Colin. I don't feel like I can do the things I love anymore like play with my dogs and take them places and take care of animals. At the vet's office when I hold a bigger animal, it's all I can do not to throw up or pass out. I'm constantly exhausted. I don't want this to affect how I do my job. My boss has been insanely supportive and understanding. I feel like she knows more than anyone else how I feel because she deals with animal that have diabetes all the time. Hopefully my next posts will be more coherent. It feels good to have an outlet.