I am no longer pumping...the supplies are too expensive, since I am starting my first semester of college. I just can't afford it...which makes me really sad. My parents are also angry with me because by going on the pump I was supposed to improve my blood sugar...but it's gotten worse. My A1C of about 2 weeks ago was 9.2. I don't feel well at all. However, the day that I got my A1C results, I went back to MDI, and my blood sugar has gotten even worse! I don't really know what to do anymore. I've lost down to 106 pounds, probably because my blood sugar is so high all the time. I don't know whether I am doing this on purpose or not...the lines become blurred in my mind. Perhaps I am trying to hurt myself or maybe I am out of control because I feel guilty for so many reasons. I don't know how to fix things at this point, I'm just so weary. I don't know how to describe just how very tired and lost I am. But I do especially miss pumping. I bruise from all of the injections. Of course that's probably just me being self-indulgent! I just don't know what to do anymore...it's weak of me to say this, but I can't and do not want to bear this disease anymore!

Views: 14

Comment by Lisa on August 31, 2010 at 11:07am
No wondered your discouraged. you feel terrible and should, in my opinion. You've had a really tough time and the one thing (the pump) you thought would solve things didn't really work out. How long have you been on the pump? Sometimes it can take up to a year to really start to understand it. One A1c that isn't great doesn't have to set the tone for the rest of your life! It just means that you can have tighter control and to work towards a tighter goal. If anything, as long as you're following a decent lifestyle, someone on your team should be giving you better advice. If it's your lifestyle that needs work, you know where to tighten your control. You need a good team in place to really get yourself under control. Are you carb counting? That is one thing I always assume but am finding out more and more people are not doing it. I don't think you can even start to get a good handle until you do. I've been on the pump for 4 years and I am still learning myself. In order to succeed you need a plan in place. Yes, the pump it is more expensive but I feel it's worth it especially for a better quality of life. If you can't afford a pump, you can still have a decent life. As for bearing the disease, you no longer have a choice and so having a good attitude is the only way to go. I know it's been tough but your tough too and don't give the satisfaction to D, pick yourself up tomorrow and start again. As for today, have a good cry and then say ok that's all the energy I'm giving to that which is not going to give me energy. I hope things work better this week for you, keep us posted.
Comment by Tarra on August 31, 2010 at 11:44am
I really relate to the financial side of things. Insulin pumps are expensive. A lot of times you can call the pump companies and explain your situation and they can sometimes discount the prices. Its worth a try. I just found out about this as well. I have been going on and off my pump depending on my financial situation since i went back to college. The pump can be frustrating to be on i got my hoping to help reduce the amount of low blood sugars but that did not end up workign out that way but my alc did improve. You really have to stick with carb counting and testing frequently to get the pump settings to what you need. It took me a couple of months once i was on the pump to work out all the kinks. Best of luck.
Comment by Betty J on August 31, 2010 at 1:25pm
It sounds like when you were pumping your pump education was nil. With the proper training you should have done well. Check with the hospital in your areas and see if they have CDE's who are also pump trainers. Since you're a student you should still be on your parents insurance and that will cover your CDE appointments. Even if you don't return to pumping it sounds like you need some Diabetes education re: managing your D...good luck.
Comment by Hope on August 31, 2010 at 5:58pm
You sound depressed, I don't mean just "down" but in the clinical sense. Feeling overwhelmed, guilty, tired can all be symptoms. Diabetes and depression often go together, and if you get treatment for depression it could really help your blood sugar control. Maybe you should stop-by your college counseling office, if they have one? Talk to you doctor maybe?

Diabetes is hard, especially when you feel so overwhelmed and alone. Try to find a "team" of people to help you. That's half the battle sometimes. Things are going so well for you right now, but an AIC can turn around quickly. Don't give up pumping just because of one high AIC. Do what is best for you, in all areas.
Comment by Samantha on August 31, 2010 at 6:45pm
This disease is a giant pain in the ass and it's hard to live with. Starting college and dealing with other changes doesn't help. Try to take it one day at a time. Some days, i need to reset and say "okay, today I'm going to really carb count and monitor my numbers." My A1C still isn't great, but having days were I manage to affect some control helps me feel like it's not so overwhelming.
Comment by M&M on September 1, 2010 at 5:01am
I agree with Samantha, "try to take it one day at a time".. stress is a huge factor with diabetes. I was able to bring down my A1C somewhat by reducing stress in doing things that relaxes me and of course being disciplined about taking my shots. I'm not on pump yet so still doing multiple shots. Hang in there we do understand your pain.
Comment by malcolm3057 on September 1, 2010 at 7:40am
I'm just about to start my 3rd year of university. About a year ago I was in a situation where I didn't know how to fix my diabetes, especially overnight. I would lack energy during the day because high blood sugar would disrupt my sleep. I'd also feel angry with myself, because I'd have bad control despite being fortunate enough to be on a pump.

One of my main problems was that when I'd have a high sugar level, I wouldn't know whether the basal or bolus setting was the cause. I realised that my pump was mainly being used to fix problems created by it's own settings. For example, at 11pm: my sugar level was being affected by the carbs in my dinner, the bolus for that dinner and the basal rate. I would feel uncertain about which dose to increase. Sometimes I'd make a change, wake up low in the night and get very scared as a result. Most of the time, I'd go to sleep, my sugar levels would rise and at 8am in the morning I'd be high and unable to explain the cause. I was told the pump was better than injections for fine-tuning control, but this wasn't of much use at this point.

I got myself referred to a different diabetes centre. This was a bit further away, but I found the change was worth it. The doctors and nurses there told me that I had not had enough training on how to use my pump. I was also given a glucose/food diary printout. I was told to avoid eating carbs for a day so they could see the effects of my basal insulin only. I was told to worry about my bolus settings only after I knew my basal rate was ok. This was the first fix to the problem.

Even with my basal rate adjusted, I still went to bed not trusting that my sugar level was stable. Sometimes I'd dose too much for dinner, sometimes too little, despite carb counting. This would cause a lot of unpredictability overnight and made me question if my basal rate was broken again. I decided to eat dinner earlier, between 5 and 7pm. This was a difficult change to make, because I was used to eating between later, whenever I wanted. My diabetes team said this shouldn't be necessary, but I decided to do it anyway. This was fix number 2: I could go to bed knowing that I'd had an opportunity to correct any highs/lows caused by the bolus for dinner. The testing before bed gave me the information I needed to change my bolus insulin only.

Finally, I began to treat my diabetes more as if it was a moving target. This required more testing and a more structured "long-term" approach to adjusting my doses. I'd try and do one of these basal rate checks every 6 weeks. I found this difficult, so I only checked 6 hours of each day without eating / extra physical activity / caffeine at a time.

It helped that my diabetes centre got a continuous glucose monitor (CGM) to share between the patients. I was able to get this on loan for up to 5 days, and a nurse would analyse the results and tell me where my basal and bolus rates were not working. I found the CGM to be very helpful because it made problems with my control much clearer and easier to fix. Unlike a pump, one CGM can be shared between a lot of patients (lowering the cost). In my opinion, they're at least as powerful a tool for improving control, even if only used occasionally. This is because one CGM session can give information needed to make longer term fixes to basal and bolus rates (if you are on MDI or a pump).

This has comment has become very long. I was overwhelmed with the problem of diabetes control. I want to assure you that this big problem can be broken down into smaller solvable ones. For me this took some minor lifestyle changes so I could distinguish between problems caused by my basal and bolus doses. Better monitoring and a better diabetes team also helped.
Comment by Briar-Rose on September 7, 2010 at 8:13am
It's not that I wanted to get off of the pump or anything that could be avoided...I just couldn't afford the supplies. Just to clarify. Thanks for the advice, everyone! I do struggle from depression and that really doesn't help my diabetes control...I mean, not to try to shift the blame, of course it's my own fault for not taking better care of myself, but the depression doesn't help things.
Comment by amy mercer on September 8, 2010 at 4:34pm
Briar-Rose,
I'd love to talk to you about this...I had to go off the pump for the summer b/c I could no longer afford it and it was really frustrating! I'm writing an article about the cost of diabetes supplies and would love to interview you if you are interested in speaking about this challenge! I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time, all I can say is I've been there and I feel your pain! Email me at amy.mercer@comcast.net if you want to talk...

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