I went to my cardiologist yesterday for a follow up to an appointment, which was a follow up from a mishap last year when I fainted for no apparent reason, and fell and hit my head. I seem to still be terrified at the doctors' offices, even though I have managed to surround myself with some pretty hip characters. My internist is smart (and also very attractive) and a great doctor. Her office is polite, sharp and timely, she has all my scripts, and I have no problems with her staff at all. My endo has the personality and accent of a disgruntled ex-communist, but I really feel that she cares about me and my health. She's super conservative and proactive almost to the point of being a little bit of a pain in the ass. My retina specialist is a fellow gumba, very hip, and has helped me with my eyes and has been crucial to me over the last year with my tiny little prolific on-disk retinopathy. My cardiologist is a young guy, a gumba too, he is fun and although he's not too familiar with type 1 treatment issues, he has seen a lot of T2 complications and deaths; he is a great heart guy, if not overly pragmatic. I talk and joke with all of them – everybody (except the endo) laughs, and I think the endo would laugh more if she "got" my innuendo and figures of speech.
Here's my malfunction: I have full blown anxiety attacks when I see any of them. My blood pressure jumps 10mm diastolic and 15mm systolic if I sit there long enough. I almost always have to change my undershirt after an office visit, and I almost always feel sick. WTF? 31 years of this and WTF?! Mentally I know THEY work for ME. I know they are helping me, I know and I am not ashamed that I have diabetes, I know all too well what complications can do and how and why they help me. I know how important it is for me to go and see them. I willingly go to all my doctor appointments…but why does my old brain think I am going to die when I am in there? Why does an office visit get hijacked by the sheer terror of that experience and where the heck does it come from?