I'm not sure what to do. This is all consuming and I'm afraid my family might be able to tell I'm having a problem. Although, I'm sure they won't say anything about it maybe out of fear, maybe out of ignorance of the disease(s), maybe out of annoyance of me being upset by diabetes. I'm most afraid to tell my fiance. I remember one night I was upset and I diliberately skipped some insulin. I was in a really somber mood when he got home from work and he asked what was wrong. I just told him that I was upset with diabetes and left it at that. I checked my blood sugar to find it well into the 300's. He asked what it was and I was honest with him and told him how high it was. He asked why it was so high. My initial response was, "I don't know." He wouldn't buy that. Eventually I told him I didn't take insulin for something I ate. He was furious. "How can you not take insulin!? It's not that hard! You eat something, you take insulin for it! We are committed to be married and you're supposed to be around with me for the rest of our lives! You're my partner and I need you to be with me when I'm old!" He doesn't know anything about the correlation between high blood sugar and weight loss and he definitely doesn't know how much of a struggle it is for me. That was the one and only time I've ever said anything about restricting insulin. I've never talked about it with him. I don't want him to think he's marrying a crazy.

Last night on the radio, the radio personalities hosted a question to listeners. What did you find out about your partner in a committed relationship too late? In other words, you've already moved in together, gotten married or what have you and you find something out about your partner that might be a deal breaker. What was it and did it break the deal? As I was listening to the answers, it got me thinking. I'm doing something like that to my fiance by not telling him what I'm going through. That's not fair to him. But I'm just too afraid. I know he won't understand.

Actually, I don't think anyone will understand. I don't even understand why I do it. Why do I feel the need to be skinny and have the perfect body? It's not a big deal and it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of life. No one's perfect. And trust me, I've told myself that a million times, but it doesn't stop me. I don't understand what the point of me doing this is. I really don't. I tell myself everyday, why don't you just eat healthy like you know how to do and be healthy and take your insulin. I'll tell myself that tomorrow it'll be different. But here I am today, and it's not any different than yesterday.

What I do know is that I go in waves with insulin restriction. Right before Thanksgiving, I started eating an all natural, very good for you diet. I'm obsessed with food, I know everything there is to know about it. But as I was eating that diet, my portions got smaller and smaller until I was eating only a few hundred calories a day. My blood sugars were excellent, though...

I don't think I'm in bad enough shape to go into treatment. That's reserved for the most extreme cases, and I don't think I'm extreme. I think my family and friends would be able to tell if that were the case. Although, as I look back, I guess I've been doing this for a very long time. I want to be healthy, but my thoughts won't let me. Insurance doesn't cover a health psychologist, and I can't afford that right now, either. I would be embarrassed if I had to go get help. And I think everyone would think I was a big baby if I did.

Views: 175

Comment by Shahenda on December 18, 2012 at 12:37pm

Hey .. I want you to read carefully what I'm going to write .. Please :D

I want to help you as much as I want to help myself .. so you are going to have to try to control yourself .. you should take enough insulin and eat healthy as much as you can and I'm gonna ask u to exercise whatever type of exercise u like or if u hate exercise u should at least walk 30 minutes everyday .. maybe ur fiance could help u overcome that if you could do it together :)

If u have been messing things up for a while now .. ur blood glucose is going to take some time to return normal .. and for me it takes about a week and then it starts to lower and with time I get to lower my insulin dose due to numerous hypos .. I don't know about you but I think if u eat REAL healthy .. it's never going to rise without an unknown reason or anything .. maybe if u took ur shot in a resistant site or for some other reason it would .. but u know even if it rises once every now and then .. it's not gonna cause u much problems as much as if u make it rise like every day :)

OookaY .. what's going to be different this time than other times when u tried to do what i said above ,, is that whenever u feel like u r giving up and surrender to baad food and rejecting insulin .. I want u to just send me a message writing EXACTLY what u feel .. I know sometimes it's hard to move ur mind away from food at such times but u have to fight it until u reach ur computer and write me what's wrong and why u just want to eat ! Okayy ?? I'm new to this site so I'm going to see if I will be able to add u as a friend or not :$ .. just to be nearer to u .. and please accept .. all I really want is to try to help you !

About Families .. I hate telling them about my problems too .. I don't know I guess they will never understand what we're going through .. to them food is just food .. to us food is like heaven .. and this is wrong !! Just WRONG !! and we have have to fight it !

Let me tell u that if you succeed to control urself for the first week .. you can start dieting then or starting from the second week or so .. once I managed tto do it for about 40 days and I lost 2 kg in the first two weeksa of dieting and then every week i lost about 1 kg or so .. i ended up losing about 8 kg in toTal .. and this was just perfect ! :D

One more thing .. when u start controllong ur bg .. u might notice that u've gained some weight in the very first week .. this would probably due to ur body renewing itself after the damage u've done to it .. and if u had ketoacidosis then it would be due to water retention and this will all disappear in the first couple of weeks of dieting .. so if this is going to be a problem for u .. just try to stay away from the scale for a while until u feel like u r light again and u can weigh urself with confidence !

And believe me ,, everyone gain and lose weight it's not that much of an issue .. we are the ones creating that problem and noone else ! I'm going to start this plan right with u .. starting from tomorrow okay .. and I'll wait to hear from u whenever u want to talk about whatever u want to talk about and I'll open my account everyday to check what u have got to say and Good Luck :))

Comment by John M on December 19, 2012 at 7:56am

lizard: All I can tell you is that letting your future hubby know is the best thing you can do. You will need his support, and maybe surprised how much you might get. I feel foolish for not letting my wife into my closet full of skeletons sooner. I was scared silly / embarrassed to allow her to help, though I did let her know what she was marrying. For over 20 years, I've dealt with my issues alone when I didn't have to.

Comment by Alisonisayoshi on December 19, 2012 at 10:03am

I was like you, I probably did not seem that bad to an outsider. I needed serious help to recover. I lost everything to my omitting. I could not hold together my marriage, or maybe I was too messed up to realize it was a bad marriage. I will never know. My blood sugar was too high. I ended up in DKA too many times. I have recovery now. I never thought it would come but it does.

Here is the deal, any case of any insulin omitting is extreme. What we are doing, us Diabulimics, it is going in the DSM next printing. That is how widespread it is. Please get help. You don't have to go to inpatient. You can see a therapist. You can talk to your endo. Many are familiar with what you are doing now. You can join support forums. We Are Diabetes is one. DWED is another Diabulima Awareness is a facebook support forum. DWED is on here. Please Please Please do not think that you dont deserve help because you are not bad enough off!

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