I am trying to learn how to cope with stress. You'd think that after 54-1/2 years on this earth I'd be better at it.

But sometimes it seems like the stress just gets worse each year, that my efforts to cope can never catch up to it.

I just wanted to say that it's not true that God never sends us more than we can handle. I can't handle everything that is pressing down on me -- health problems, family problems, unemployment, money problems, all the burgeoning evil and greed in the world -- it's all way, way more than I can handle.

All I can find to do to make the pain bearable sometimes is to curl up in a ball with the covers over my head and breathe.

I used to like to go for walks, but ever since the assault, I'm afraid whenever I go outside, especially if there is anything going on to remind me of the assault (e.g. a group of kids walking together nearby, being at a mall or shopping center, seeing someone who looks like my attacker, hearing loud or boisterous talking, etc.)

My trust level with human beings is dwindling down to nothing. After my traumatic stress counselor started getting flaky and canceling appointments at the last minute, I find it almost impossible to contemplate asking anyone for help. When I did work up the courage to schedule an appointment with a new counselor, he cancelled at the last minute, too. Part of me knows that this is just a coincidence, but a larger part of me seized on this as another reason to never leave my apartment, to never try to get help, to never trust another soul to treat me with basic human compassion and respect.

I almost feel like there is some kind of sick, cosmic joke in play and I am the punch-line. Why do I even try to fight it if the universe is stacked against me? If I'll be smacked down again every time I try to get better? If I'll be metaphorically slapped every time I reach out?

But then I look at my neat rows of BG test after BG test, insulin injection after insulin injection, grams of carbs calculated, synthroid, vitamin D and omeprazol taken on schedule, my log of application after application being sent out for jobs, my stack of books about diabetes and healthy eating...and I think, "Huh. I guess I'm not ready to give up, after all."

I don't want to give up, but I would really, really, really appreciate it if I could just catch a break. You know? Just a few little, tiny things going my way would be nice. Even one thing working in my life would help me believe that it's worth it, that I'm not just fiddling on the deck of the Titanic.

Views: 11

Tags: coping, depression, self-care, stress

Comment by Frances on April 19, 2011 at 2:12pm
1. At the risk of being Dr. Feelgood, have you tried antidepressants? Sometimes they are the thing people need to get over the hump of not being able to face the regular getting of help with a therapist.

2. Have you considered joining a gym or some other safe way to exercise? Exercise really does help with stress and depression but I totally get your wanting to be safe at the same time.
Comment by SF Pete on April 19, 2011 at 2:42pm
It is a rough road you are walking. At this point, you need a good mental health professional to help you through the trauma. You are experiencing some severe PTSD. I am really sorry that you had some flakey counselors. Don't give up hope and keep trying to find someone you will click with. My partner had a string of very bad counselors and it took a few tries to find the guy he's got now. Anti-depressants can also be VERY helpful -- especially if you find yourself with a racing mind and obsessive thought processes.

Frankly, you aren't failing at anything, you've been taken to the cleaners by just about everything in one's life that can really put a pain in your @$$. Keep at the job search even though it seems fruitless. You will feel better about things the more you take positive action for self-care and your situation. If you do everything you can do, you've done all you can. I wish you the best and hope that your situation turns to the better very, very soon.
Comment by LaGuitariste on April 19, 2011 at 2:59pm
Thank you, Frances. I have tried several anti-depressants and have had to stop due to side-effects. I'm super sensitive to drugs like that and the ones I've tried have really messed me up.

Re. exercise, part of my problem is being afraid to go anyplace where there are people I don't know and trust -- i.e. the public in general -- including the gym, the parking lot for the gym, the sidewalk between the parking lot and the gym.

I have to really work at talking myself into going outside. I went grocery shopping last night only because there was literally nothing left to eat in the house besides a can of tomatoes, some frozen veggies, some olive oil and herbs/spices. No protein. No beans. Not even one egg. I seriously considered making a broccoli-tomato stew just so I wouldn't have to go to the grocery store for one more day.

I'm down to half a pen of Novolog, and I've been trying to get myself to go to the pharmacy for three days. I'll have to go now.

What I need is a body-guard, but who is going to protect me from the body-guard?

Yeah. I know I can't keep living like this. But may I just pause to wish a nice stay in Hades to the people who have attacked me in the past, and rendered me very often too anxious for a walk in a busy, nice park at mid-day -- not to mention being too terrified to visit the mall to buy some shoes?

I'll be OK for a few days and then I'll realize that I haven't even opened my door for three or four days running. I can always come up with an excuse to stay inside with the doors locked and the shades drawn. I didn't used to be this way. I loved to get up and shower and dress and GO. Now it's late afternoon and I'm dreading going to the store when there is nothing left in the house to eat -- even on beautiful, sunny days.

I know this can't go on. It's crushing me.
Comment by LaGuitariste on April 19, 2011 at 3:09pm
Thank you, SF Pete. I'm glad to hear that your partner found a good counselor. I know they're out there. I just have to find the courage to try again. Have you ever heard of Lamotrigine? One of my doctors suggested that I try it. I guess it's a slightly different kind of anti-depressant than the ones that really bothered me in the past.
Comment by Trudy on April 19, 2011 at 4:14pm
Hi Jean. Little by little you need to get out, as you become comfortable with it. In the meantime, Amazon will deliver your groceries. Really, Amazon might be a good thing to investigate-- it certainly helps in bad weather to have your food delivered to your doorstep. You can order all sorts of other stuff online if you don't want to go to the mall, besides daily food. But you do need to get out again, little by little. Maybe a friend to go out with, just so you aren't alone. You shouldn't have to live in fear; living with diabetes and other health issues is enough. To tell you the truth, I'm not all that comfortable going out alone myself... Best luck.
Comment by karebear1966 on April 19, 2011 at 5:40pm
I may have some valuable information for you. I will send a friend request so that we can chat about this privately.
Comment by Hismouse on April 19, 2011 at 7:33pm
I was reading your writting, and thought, your doing what I am doing, stacking all kinds of negative reasons, and there not from the world, its US teaching our selves the world IS ALL bad. It really isn't, and the chance of something bad happening again is well all self bulit in fear in our own minds. I know its blunt, but I was in a bad way for a couple weeks, and when I crawled from under the blankets and I sat there and thought, MY gos I am so mean to myself. I wouldn't dare put this kind of fear in another person. I could never Hate another like I was doing to myself. SO as I did, and you can try, treat yourself with Love and real thoughts, let all the negative go away. Its amazing how clear life is when you rid all the self inflicted meaness we have thown at ourselves.
I hope you feel better soon..
Comment by Melitta on April 19, 2011 at 9:53pm
Hi Jean: I am SO sorry for what you are going through. I enjoy your posts so much, and talking about Green Lake.... I just know that you are a wonderful person who deserves some freedom from the pain (all the forms). Have you tried meditation? I tend to be prone to depression, and I have to say that meditation (and yoga) has helped me a bit. Sorry to be another person just trying to offer suggestions/fixes, I know that that can be difficult in and of itself, but I do care.
Comment by LaGuitariste on April 20, 2011 at 1:26am
You guys are so kind. I am blessed to have found TuDiabetes. That is something I can be grateful for today, to be sure. When I forget that people can be very, very good, I'll come back here and read your kind and hopeful words -- not just on my blog posts, but throughout the site. Thank you.
Comment by samsmom on April 20, 2011 at 5:10pm
I HATE the saying "God wouldn't give you more than you can handle!" ACK! The only reason people say that to you is because they know you're about to lose it and you're dealing with something unimaginable. Humph! God doesn't give us the bad stuff, that's my belief, but He will help us through it. Keep up the fight!

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