Hi everyone, this is the first time for me to ask for help i usually try to help others when i can or read the posts to learn from them. lately i feel like im stuck in time and don't know why. i have asked my doctor and endo, with no helpful answers. therapists are a joke, they want to push more medication or lock me up.
Last year my two kids were in an auto accident and my son was killed, i have done everything i can to stay busy. Tons of question keep running through my mind and i don't sleep much and when i do sleep it is hard and i wake up with a jump or i dream that my son is still here. my family is no help, my sister is fine to talk to when i have a bad day and on a good day she finds a way to bring me back down, then says "just move on you can't bring him back so forget him."
I can't forget him he was my baby for 19 years. they don't care since he was not their child and they didn't know him like i did, my son and i were so close that we knew when something was wrong with each other. then to make matters worse my ex-husband has guardianship over my 23 year old daughter and im not allowed to see her. she was also in the same accident and has head trauma, cant walk and has a 3 yr. old daughter herself that she don't get to see much. my ex is an alcoholic and the father to my grand daughter wont allow my ex near her, cant blame him.
I just cant get answers to know how to handle everything that has been happening and now my sugars always drop. before all this they were slightly high, working two jobs and taking care of the family. investing in the new products to help manage my diabetes and my world revolved around my son. Now they are low most of the time and depending on my sugars my mood swings and i get mad for no reason. I use an insulin pump and recently invested in a Dexcom 7 and i am finding i have alot of lows that i didn't know about before. when i make an adjustment to keep the bg higher then i have no appetite so the bgs fall again
Sorry this ended up longer than I thought, but im open to suggestions to resolve my situation.

Thank you
Kat

Views: 216

Comment by smileandnod on February 22, 2012 at 12:43pm

Hi Kat, I don't have any words that can take away the pain that you're dealing with but know that my prayers are with you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. I work with a lady who lost her 19 year old son in an auto accident one year ago also. He was her only child and I've seen the pain that she still deals with.

I would urge you to find someone to talk to in person if you can (and of course continue to post here for support) like a support group or a church counselor. My coworker has found that talking about it helps her more than anything. She has trouble sleeping also. Perhaps your family means well but it hurts them to see you in so much pain and they don't know how to help you.

You're probably having low blood sugar because you're not eating as you were before. It sounds like your insulin dose needs to be decreased; perhaps your endo can help you adjust that.

Take care, Kat, and best wishes to you and your family.

Comment by Randy on February 22, 2012 at 2:44pm

I have never lost a child, but I have watched friends and relatives try to make sense and move on with life. A very tall order indeed. Anyone who says to "get over it should pray they are NEVER in the same situation. My sister in law lost her oldest son, tragically, about three years ago. Family members said the same thing to her. She has found ways to cope and come to terms with what happened, but I don't think "get over it" is part of the deal. If you want to message me with an e-mail address I would be glad too forward it to her. I know that reaching out to others has done a lot to bring her where she is today. I also know that everyone is different and must find their own way through tough times, but it does not have to be done alone.

Comment by Scott E on February 22, 2012 at 6:57pm

Kat, I can't offer you advice on how to deal with your emotions, all I can do is sit here and cry with you.

As far as your blood sugars go, it sounds like you're on the right track. Fixes don't happen overnight, and the Dex told you what needs fixing. Now it's just up to you (and your endo) to figure out how to do that.

Comment by Kat1997 on February 22, 2012 at 7:15pm

Thank you smile and Randy, at least now I know this is a normal feeling and not just something wrong with me. They say time heals all wounds, but fail to say how much time it takes. I do pray my family never goes through this and my sister had a close call when her son was in an accident but he was just shaken with a few scratches. six months before the accident that took my son he was waiting for a train and rear ended by a drunk driver, when it happened my heart hit my feet. I tried calling and texting him with no answer, that is when i found out about the accident and rushed safely of course, to the er and he was banged up. he didnt remember much of the accident till he seen his car after. He was a good driver, I tought him well but we cant prepare them for everything.
I have found that talking about it helps also, when people ask how i am doing i dont cry anymore unless my sugars are low then its like i loose my strength. it dont make sense but thats life, most things dont make sense. I was talking to the investigator and he said that most find the first year the hardest and after that it is the worst on the date of the accident each year, but sometimes I feel like i am stuck on that day and time moves very slow. I live in a small town and everyone just wants to help and admit they dont know what to say that can make me feel better. At the funeral my son's friend would make a circle around me and talk about their best memories to make me laugh, it helped. yet my sister, my ex and his family thought is was wrong. All i can say is they didnt have to identify the body and that was when my grieving started, for them it was the day of the wake and funeral.
I know i cant change the way i feel about that event from day to day it changes, but i am working hard to get my sugars back under control, like i mention when im low is when i loose my strength. I see my endo next month again and will see what she can do with my insulin when i show her the graphs from my dexcom.
Thank you both for the support I really needed to hear that others have the same feelings and that im not crazy....haha. I am thinking it is time to cut some people from my life to make things easier to move on, like all the negative ones and focus on things to keep me busy again, but winter is a tough time with nothing to do outside. Thank for letting me vent and i will continue to post.

Comment by brokenpole on February 23, 2012 at 12:04am

Kat, please do continue to post as we are worried about you. Like smile, Randy and Scott I don't know of any magic words or potions that will help you. O wish I did.

"Get over it" and "move one" were the two main phrases I would use in situations like these. I went to a class to learn more about coucelling the greifing and was told to ditch those phrases. Was never really given any thing to replace them with. But I do know that the comforter is there for you. The only time scale that matters is yours. Go through things at your speed and to hell with all the other people. You will learn to live with what happened. But that occrs when you are ready not when others are ready for you to be ready.

Keep writing and venting here. We all love you and are sorry for your lose.

May God bless you.

Sparky

Comment by Kat1997 on February 23, 2012 at 4:53am

Thank you Scott and Sparky, today is going good. After posting last night i was reading more through the posts on here and responded to a few, i was feeling good to give some advice to them. I did take my advice to shut out the negative people in my life and to do what I can to help others on here with passing forward support. After some soul searching I realized the last person that died that made me feel this way was the loss of my grandmother when I was 9. I was staying with her and we had a routine day until I came back from playing at a friends home, I found her dead on the floor. Thinking back it took me a few years to figure out that I couldn't do anything for her. After a few years passed I over heard the adults talking and she died instantly and fell out of her chair in the dinning room, even if I would have been there and called 911 sooner they would not have been able to save her. At that age my only question was, Why did she leave me? I new she was taking medication for her health issues just not what those issues were. When my dad and uncle passed away we expected it and were more prepared cause they had illness issues that over time would take them from us. In the case of my son with so many questions unanswered is so overwhelming at times that I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut, the more I try to refocus the more they run through my mind. If all that went through my mind were the memories I know I may not feel this way, no guarantee. I was use to worrying all the time and now have nothing to worry about, this is probably the hardest to change. The need to fill the empty space when my son was my life, every choice i made was around him. We would get into an arguement he would tell me off, walk out slamming the door and if his vehicle broke down I was the first one he would call. The funny things is this happened one day and with in 5 minutes of him leaving his car quit and I had a call, Mom would you bring my truck to pull my car home. He was no longer mad cause he needed mom....I always have to laugh at that memory, its just so funny.
I am looking into what range my sugars need to be to stay strong and not go into depression, while tracking to get my insulin readjusted to what my needs are now.
I know this is the right track cause it is what my son would want for me and he loved new gadgets and now I am hooked on the new gadgets to help my health.

Thanks for listening,
Love you all also
Kat

Comment by LaGuitariste on February 23, 2012 at 8:46am

Kat I am deeply sorry for your loss and your family stresses and pain. We lost my brother to a virulent form of kidney cancer five years ago -- 90 days from diagnosis to death, so it was a shocking end but not as shocking as your own loss -- we had some time to prepare. Based on our experience, I'd say that you are still in the early stages of grief -- it took our mother almost two years before she could function at all and four years before she could barely even speak of him without collapsing in grief -- he was her "baby" and they were very close. Now at five years she can occasionally speak of him briefly without instantly falling apart.

I don't have to tell you that you've suffered two terrible blows: the loss of your son and the awful injuries of your daughter, plus the confounding complication of your ex's behavior.

No one can say exactly how long it will be before you see marked improvement in your spirits. Grief takes time and it takes a toll. There's no way around it. Healing is different in every person, for every loss. There is no "right" speed and there is no "right" way.

You're correct that he'd want you to take excellent care of yourself -- he loved you, right? My brother asked me dozens of times while he was dying, "Are you going to be OK?" Our hearts were breaking for him, for his terrible suffering, and he was worrying about all of us! I told him, "Yes, I'm going to be OK. It's very, very hard, but I'm going to be OK." I'm sure your son would have asked the same of you, if he could: "Mama, are you going to be OK?" He'd want the answer to be "Yes." Eventually.

My mother found a grief counselor and a grief support group at the local hospital very helpful after a few years. Is there something like that available where you live?

Comment by Trudy on February 23, 2012 at 9:30am

Hi Kat. Answering your post is difficult; I don't know if I can say anything helpful. I lost my oldest son to a hit and run driver while he was walking near his home some years ago. He lived in a different state than I do and the days following were horrendous. I was lucky in that my family was so supportive; their help and my hobbies kept me busy. The good news is that with time, my mind now seems to concentrate mainly on the good memories.

Repeating what you've already discovered: the first year is the worst, the stress is tremendous, anniversaries of the death are indeed sad. I think that the most important advice that I can give is to find ways to deal with the stress you have right now, which in fact you appear to be doing. I expect that posting on TuD has been one of those ways. My best wishes to you; I know you're going to be OK. Trudy

Comment by Kat1997 on February 23, 2012 at 9:02pm

Thank you LaGuitariste and Trudy, yes this is helping alot, I don't have a problem talking about him like I use to cause when people talk about him it is all positive and funny. He was a great kid with a free spirit life, he didn't worry about things like I worried about him. His favorite saying to me was: Mom, don't worry about it, I will take care of it. No matter the difficult situation we had, he was going to take care of it and he did for me. If it was his dad, he would tell his dad where to go....to me it was funny. My son was like me so much it was scary at times....lol. I think the biggest thing for me is that I deleted all the negative people from my facebook, I have spent alot of time playing games and researching new gadgets to help myself with my diabetes. That I can blame on my son, he loved new cell phones and other gadgets, now I can hear him laughing. Funny how memories do that some times. When I was down about things as a kid, my dad would put his hand on my shoulder from behind and say its going to be ok, your strong so its going to be ok. Thats the only saying that still reminds me of my dads voice and love for us kids.
I am so sorry to hear of the losses everyone here has gone through also, my prayers are will you all also.
Today I managed to keep my bgs over 80 so that is a plus to my insulin adjustment and my mood/feelings for the day. My stress is the worst from my sister who has no clue what this is like, I pray she never knows cause I love my nephew and two nieces so much I dont know what I would do knowing something happened to them. The youngest she is just like my son at that age, she is four, she was there for me from the time I walked in the door, till I would leave for home after this all happened. I just couldn't sit at home alone so i was at my sisters to be with her girls. After spending two days there I started to laugh and my sister thought I had lost my mind. I told her that Kaylynn is just like Thomas, over the next few days my sister watched her actions and also had to laugh cause I was right. I have heard that small children just know things we can't explain, Kaylynn was there for me the whole time saying its ok auntie, Tommy is happy now and im your Tommy girl. She is so cute and funny, at the funeral she was always by my side no matter what her dad said. She looked at him and said I love auntie and she needs me. Kids really do say the darndest things.
Trudy I hope they caught up with the person that hit your son, that is so sad. My son was hit by a car when he was three and a half yrs old. He lived but I remember the feelings I had not knowing he was going to make it. I am so sorry to hear that, I feel for you.
I know in my heart that my son knows I am going to be ok, but he also knows I would take this hard. Before the funeral I totally lost it two days before the funeral and i cried so hard and just wanted my son back that on the day of the funeral i couldn't talk to anyone cause i lost my voice, i could only whisper for a week. Not good when there are phone calls to make and plans to prepare. I was like a movie in fast forward but for me time didnt move.
Please keep posting this is really helping me to talk to others that can relate to how I am feeling right now. I really appreciate everyones comments and pray for us all, Thank you so much, this family is better than the one im related to.
ok bad joke.....lol have to laugh anyway.

Comment by Trudy on February 24, 2012 at 7:43am

Hi Kat. No, the hit run driver was never found. I've been having fun writing poems this winter and posting them on the Poetry Group!. When the anniversary of my son's death rolled around again this January, a poem developed in my head. So after reading your blog I decided to go ahead and post this poem, which is titled "Steven's Haiku". I see today on the TuD Newsletter that the Poetry Group has been featured, so I guess it all came together. No question that so often,when there is a problem, it helps to write about it.

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