thinking

So I do way to much thinking. I know it... I've thought about it a lot:)
Recently I've had plenty of time to think about myself, my sense of self, my strengths, weaknesses, and issues with vulnerability.
The other night I had a mini break down. I felt unloved and overwhelmed. I felt as if I was not receiving the type of care and emotional support that I needed for my recovery. No one was doing what I needed them to do, no one respected me/loved me enought to do what was important to me... I wasn't important to them.
As I lay curled in a ball on my couch, the hood of my sweatshirt pulled over my head, damp with tears and snot, it occured to me that it was probably my fault.
It was my fault for not asking for help enough in my life, for not allowing people to share in my vulnerabilities, for maintaining a stoic, I can take care of it myself, persona. And I remembered that I often feel this way when I am feeling particularly vulnerable.
When I really need people, as in I really can't put the dishes away myself or carry my dog, or lift anything over 10lbs,
I become frightened. I struggle with feeling unworthy, undeserving, and terrified that those caring for me/doing for me, will resent me for my vulnerability, and that I will be nothing more than a burden to them.
Resentment was also part of my onslaught of feelings. I felt I still had to take care of everyone around me, make sure things were getting done, remind them to put dishes away, clean up after themselves, etc. But most importantly, biggest contributor to my self-induced insanity, was that I felt I had to take care of thier feelings. I was afraid to show them how much I needed them because I didn't want to overwhelm them with the truth of my self.
My self who needs someone else to do the housework.
My self who can't lift anything over 10lbs for 4 weeks.
My self who can't walk or stand for long periods of time.
My self who is made of flesh, bone, and blood, that has been cut open, removed, and rearranged.
My self who needs care, love, and support to heal.
That's a lot of self with a lot of needs.
So I calmed down as i muddled thru the mess of my self and remembered that I do feel loved and supported most of the time. That I am learning how to ask for what I need and allow people to do for me. I can be taken care of. I can receive.
I am vulnerable, worthy, and most importantly, I am here.