I obviously still remember the hospital stay when I got diagnosed with diabetes. Telling the nurse "yeah, ill be fine .. just stay away from sweets". I had no idea what I was in for.
Something else sticks in my mind more than the diagnosis though ,, I remember laying in that hospital bed with 3 IVs coming out of me, including a heart moniter, and my boyfriend at the time of two years coming into the room and telling me " I just can't do this .. its too much. I'll always love you" and then he was gone .. I have never seen him again. I was literally near death and he left me ... right when i needed him most. I didnt just get diagnosed with a chronic disease .. i was also detoxing at the same time from heroin, physically and emotionaly hard, and then losing the love of my life. He had no idea I was an addict .. all he saw was I got sick .. with a disease that will never go away. All he could think about was our future kids and the fact that they may too get this disease .. audrey and anthony .. we had already picked out the names...
I cant help but think, who will ever love me?? I'm not normal .. im sick. and i know it could be soo much worse. I understand that, So why do I feel so horrible? It's ironic .. I love science .. full science geek .. and I have always believed in darwin .. evolution, only the strongest survive, nature cancels out the weak with genetic dieseases. However were in a time now that can keep those weak alive ... I literally has two people on two seperate occassions tell me that i am a waste of american tax dollars ......
I don't want to insult anyone, and I'm sorry if I did. I just want to express how I feel. I'm weak ... I'm nothing ... I need man made medicine to stay alive because for some reason my body is trying to kill itself. I lay awake at night and im scared .. every night .. because i dont want to go blind, i dont want to lose a leg .. I just want to be normal. I want to eat like a normal person!! is that too mucht o ask for??
I'm with a man now .. and hes amazing .. but he doesnt understand. the constant yeast infections, the mood swings, the fear .. everyhting that goes along with diabetes, I never express how i feel .. but i see his disapointment when i dont want to have sex, when my suagr is so low that I'm not myself. he wants kids too ... the last time i was in the icu for DKA the doctor couldnt say it enough " NO KIDS!!" What do you do when thats your only true dream?? To be a mother .. a wife ..
I find myself asking "why me" and then in return hating myself for feeling that way. At least my disease has a treatment .. quit being so selfish.
I just don't know anymore... sorry for rambling