I obviously still remember the hospital stay when I got diagnosed with diabetes. Telling the nurse "yeah, ill be fine .. just stay away from sweets". I had no idea what I was in for.

Something else sticks in my mind more than the diagnosis though ,, I remember laying in that hospital bed with 3 IVs coming out of me, including a heart moniter, and my boyfriend at the time of two years coming into the room and telling me " I just can't do this .. its too much. I'll always love you" and then he was gone .. I have never seen him again. I was literally near death and he left me ... right when i needed him most. I didnt just get diagnosed with a chronic disease .. i was also detoxing at the same time from heroin, physically and emotionaly hard, and then losing the love of my life. He had no idea I was an addict .. all he saw was I got sick .. with a disease that will never go away. All he could think about was our future kids and the fact that they may too get this disease .. audrey and anthony .. we had already picked out the names...

I cant help but think, who will ever love me?? I'm not normal .. im sick. and i know it could be soo much worse. I understand that, So why do I feel so horrible? It's ironic .. I love science .. full science geek .. and I have always believed in darwin .. evolution, only the strongest survive, nature cancels out the weak with genetic dieseases. However were in a time now that can keep those weak alive ... I literally has two people on two seperate occassions tell me that i am a waste of american tax dollars ......

I don't want to insult anyone, and I'm sorry if I did. I just want to express how I feel. I'm weak ... I'm nothing ... I need man made medicine to stay alive because for some reason my body is trying to kill itself. I lay awake at night and im scared .. every night .. because i dont want to go blind, i dont want to lose a leg .. I just want to be normal. I want to eat like a normal person!! is that too mucht o ask for??

I'm with a man now .. and hes amazing .. but he doesnt understand. the constant yeast infections, the mood swings, the fear .. everyhting that goes along with diabetes, I never express how i feel .. but i see his disapointment when i dont want to have sex, when my suagr is so low that I'm not myself. he wants kids too ... the last time i was in the icu for DKA the doctor couldnt say it enough " NO KIDS!!" What do you do when thats your only true dream?? To be a mother .. a wife ..

I find myself asking "why me" and then in return hating myself for feeling that way. At least my disease has a treatment .. quit being so selfish.

I just don't know anymore... sorry for rambling

Views: 7

Comment by LACA310 on March 6, 2011 at 10:40pm
Well I got hit about 9 months ago when I was 43, similar to you. After thinking I had the flu because I was puking for a day and a half, I got 4 IVs (probably the extra was potassium for severe cramping), an A1c of 12 and BG readings off the charts. I was lucky because I realized that I really had a problem right from the start. I think it makes me approach things much differently. I also get into ruts and just am coming out of one now.

So different in so many ways, but felt for you that you were upset. I was glad to have my wife and a friend with me, but honestly, I was so tired and out of it, that I thought I would be OK if I didn't wake up again when I finally decided I couldn't stay up any longer. You have an amazing man now, and I am guessing that you much better off with him than you would be with the one that was too weak to be there for you back then. It definitely sucked then, but probably for the best.

As for someone saying you are a waste of tax dollars, F#$% them. It doesn't cost that much my 3 days only really cost about $2500. I think I am worth that. Definitely cost less than some slob with heart disease, or their grandma getting a new hip at 85.

So yes we are faulty and on medication. Big deal. Survival of the fittest doesn't really apply the same in civilization as it does in the wild. Fittest may be a diabetic with a job and the smarts to get help when you need it. I personally cannot remember the last time that I had to outrun a tiger, or survive without food or shelter during a blizzard. You seem to have it together, and deserve to pass on genes as a mental fittest.

As for girlie issues, guys worth their salt may be dissapointed, but will deal. At least he is interested enought to be dissapointed. Also since most guys want to solve problems versus providing compassionate listening, if he seems a little disinterested in all the details, it might be because he figures he can't make it better, so he doesn't know what to say.

Finally, from what I have read, and it has been alot since I was diagnosed, if you want kids, all you need is a team that is willing to help you out. Maybe after you have things under control for a few years, you will find an endo and gyno that will support you in your pregnancy. If your current docs say no, find another. There are so many scare tactics out there about amputation, blindness, pregnancy, etc. but there are plenty of old diabetics with all their toes, and perfect vision to see their grandchildren. Don't give up.

Finally about the why me. Just write it off. You (and I) got the shaft, now just deal. Yes it sucks, but there are so many things that are so much worse. It's OK to get in a rut, but don't quit trying to get over it. Yes it will probably come back again, but so what. Whatever you do, no reason to hate yourself. Feel better. :-)
Comment by Jewels on March 7, 2011 at 12:50pm
I've just got one piece of advice for you: Take care of yourself. From what I read, it sounds like you may have a hard time taking care of yourself. Get all the help you can get. It's not easy, but you will get the hang of it. Exercise, eat right, drink lots of water. I know it's a huge burden sometimes, but that's why you're on this website right? Get help and support from those who know what you are going through. I'm work in mental health and it sounds as though you may be suffering from depression. You might want to see somebody about that too. But getting your body under control will help get your chemicals regulated again and will help with the depression.
Comment by Hismouse on March 7, 2011 at 3:22pm
No Kids, that Doctor should be kicked... I was diagnosed at 16 and I went on to have 4 beautiful children. But each one got risker. The 4th one the OB came to me and said if you have another its going to be the choice of save the baby or You. I think he just didn't want me to have more kids.

You just have to take very good care of yourself, and your Baby will be healthy. If you have a good OBGYN you will be fine too.

You have to work on the issue that you can't eat anything you want, or like others. And the others have to understand that. Love and support is what works...

Turn your negative into your dreams it will help your health and BS too. negative words to yourself is stress on your body.

I hope you begin to se your life in a different way. Diabetes isn't a death sentences, it is a Disease, and we all here share that together:) Your not alone, at all...
Comment by Mike M. on March 8, 2011 at 11:58am
Well, the two peeps that say you are a waste of money need a good flushing. As for the baby, the better you take care of yourself the easier it will be; and the people that said "No Babies" need to be flushed as well.

I have found myself pondering some of the same things, other than the Mommy thing...Something is really wrong if I end up in that predicament.;) The last girl I dated (and this was a year or so ago) said she could not handle the "sharps" and such. It is hard on the people you date because they really have no idea what is going on with you or why does it have to be this way or that way. I have gotten burned out by some of the women I have dated that think simply because I told them this or that, or they read or heard this or that, that it will cure me or make me better. Suddenly, they are the ones that know everything about it and I do not have a clue.

From a guys point of view: If I do not have an understanding of the issue I will not say much but be there for support when needed. This seems the more likely thing that is going on with him, and then he feels helpless because he can't do anything to solve your problem. Women tend to look at the emotional aspect, where men are more likely to try to solve the problem and move on, if that makes any sense. He can't exactly solve the problem so he is trying to do the best he can. At least, that is what I think. :)

Chase what you want, there is no good reason not too.
Comment by Amy Lou on March 12, 2011 at 9:24pm
Thank you, everyone, so much for your responses. you have no idea how much they mean to me and how much better i feel. To be honest, ever sine i had posted this blog i was so embarrassed and depressed to even look back. I finally got enough courage and was over whelmed with love and support. I cant thank you all enough .. really

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