Hello 2012, and my fellow diabetic world of friends on here!! I hope and pray that 2012 is a great year for everyone, including myself! I have had type 1 for several years, i believe I was 16 when I was diagnosed?? I am now, 36, so that would be almost 20 years of having this wonderful disease! When I was first diagnosed, I did what I was suppose to do, followed diet, took medicine, and checked my blood sugars faithfully. And as time went on, I decided that I didn't need the medicine, nor to check my blood sugars, and pretty much ignored my diabetes. Now, that I am "all grown up", I started taking care of myself, with-in the last 2 years. I never figured I would ever live this long!! I am finding out that someone much higher than I has other plans for me!!!! So, I recently got on the pump, (middle of 2011) and doing wonderful with it! My A1C level was 6.2!! A total turn around from 10 or 11 where it had been! Now, let me go back in time a little bit.... I was born with a kidney disease, in which I spill way too much protein in my urine, and have dealt with kidney and bladder infections all of my life, in and out of hospitals, etc. And we have known since I was about 3 years old that one fine day, I would need dialysis, and or a transplant. Well, I had the first disterbing doctor appointment with my Nephrologist a month ago that scared the living daylights out of me. I have been seeing this doctor for YEARS, and he was never really interested in giving me the dialysis talk. He always said, "in time you will need it, but not now, your kidneys are doing fairly well". "Fairly well" until last month. Tomorrow I go back to see him again, and then, in one week I go in for surgery for the cathi access. I have decided to do the dialysis at home, since it gives me a bigger to have "more freedom", and "more privacy" in this matter. I am doing OK, I guess with the idea of going on dialysis, I suppose. But I am having a hard time with the idea of having the cath hanging out of me 24/7. In some ways I look at it and say, it's just like another pump!! (and I LOVE my pump) But yet, you can take the pump off!!! With the stories I have read on the internet on different sites, and pictures that I have seen on there, some have the cath in their abdomen. Ok, If I do that, I will no longer be able to have a nice relaxing soak in a bath tub. Showers for the rest of my life. And I DO LIKE MY BATH SOAKS!!!! And then I run into the fact that I DO have the pump, so, will that limit the spaces that I would be able to use for the inserts of the pump???? Now, the other option I am reading about is the insertion of the cath in the chest area, when then you can still take a bath. I think if there were any other way, that I could actually disconnect the tube totally, I wouldn't feel as if it is a permanent part of me, I would be doing a whole lot better with this whole dialysis thing. I already have this bad image of myself when I look at myself in the mirror, now I'm going to be staring at this foreign tube that will be hanging out of my body, that will soon be part of me. I realize the other option of not doing dialysis is a very poor choice, I just need some support with this whole dialysis thing that is staring at me, and slapping me in the face. Has anyone else ever had feelings like this?? Or am I just screwed up??? please, someone, help!! Reach out to me, Please!!