Comment by Gerri on September 30, 2011 at 1:07pm

Hi Katie,

Sounds like you have dibulemia, which can be a life threatening condition as people intentionally allow their BG to soar to lose weight. Please search dibulemia here & you'll find discussions. You're not alone. This is something for which you should seek counseling.

There are ways to not gain weight & take your correct insulin dose. Lower carbs so that your doses are lower.

Comment by Zu on September 30, 2011 at 2:36pm

Hi Katie,
I was thinking the same thing as Gerri. But I have also experienced what you're feeling. I'm only 2 years older than you are and it wasn't until about 18 months ago that I finally got myself together. I have never been properly diagnosed as T1 or 2 which is frustrating I don't know why they won't just run the damn test but whatever. About 18 months ago my doctor suggested I go on a pump, mind you I had asked him to put me on one almost 3 years ago but at the time he thought they wouldn't help because I needed SO MUCH insulin. I gained 30lbs in less than 2 months when I went on the insulin for the first time. I was very frustrated but I stuck with it. I finally turned on my pump in October of last year and it has made a tremendous difference in my control. I've been able to lose about 20lbs but I'm working on it! I think the problem i had in accepting it was that I didn't feel anything. I had never met anyone personally who had suffered any real damage from not taking care of the diabetes so like you it was out of sight out of mind. But I have found I feel so incredibly better from what I did before I went on the pump. I can tell when my blood sugar is higher than 140. Before I ran a constant 350+. I think it was a combination of things that flipped the switch for me, my doctor threatening to kick me out of his practice if I didn't become an active participant in my care did quite a bit to motivate me. I also went on an antidepressant cause like we might know the depression can go hand in hand with the high bg's. You might want to seek out a support group at the hospital or in the community? And of course you always have us.

Comment by acidrock23 on October 1, 2011 at 3:41am

I was dx'ed when I was 16, so not that far off. I always have had hobbies that have served as motivation to keep the D in line. Admittedly some of them were somewhat unsavory (Rock and Roll, with all the trappings during the late 80s/ early 90s, maybe as late as 2002-3 or so?). Just like now, w/ the more wholesome hobby of exercising, back then I didn't want my BG to run up and get in the way of getting wasted out of my gourd or firing up the strobe lights and jamming in the basement after partying our brains out all day. I still remember several blood tests when I was fried out of my gourd where, none theless, I "won" the countdown on the meter (which, in 1987, was like a minute?). Even when we were getting blasted, I knew I needed to cover the beer with some carbs and would keep bolusing. It's not safe to take IV R shots to beat up high BG but it worked ok most of the time with a few perhaps ugly hypos along the way.

I also think that it's critical not to conceive of it as "I have been really bad". Diabetes is bad. Even if I get a bad blood test or weight issue, it's not my 'fault' it's diabetes' fault. A bad test doesn't mean I suck, it eans I have an opportunity to do a good job fixing it. For several years, when we'd have family events, I'd have a shot in my leg and run up and down my parents stairs 10x to burn my BG down after appetizers and before dinner? I don't do that sort of stuff now as much but I'll still go "$%!&, it's high, I'd better walk the dog" which makes her extremely happy any time of day, any weather, etc.

Maybe this is sort of delusional but, between a flaky philosophy and hobbies (currently running which, of course, has other benefits, along with some hazards, as I'm 43 and am sure I'll have to start taking it easier soon...), I seem to be either jolly or oblivious about stuff?

Re weight, for me it's been easier to count carbs and trim them out of my diet since I got a pump. If I'm having a bowl of cereal, I'll measure it to 29G of carbs and go "wait a minute" and dump a third of it back in the box and carry on. In addition to being OCD about diabetes, I am also totally nuts about my weight and weigh myself all the time. I think that gains and losses of a few pounds happen due to where the moon is sometimes and that it's been more productive for me to focus on a healthier lifestyle and getting the pieces into place.

Comment by GinaY on October 1, 2011 at 10:19am

Dear acidrock,
Reading the second paragraph of your response was really comforting to me, so I just wanted to say thank you. I've been beating myself up for the past few days, your words/your attitude really helped. You always have a lot to contribute to TuD, appreciate you for that.
Dear Katie, all I can suggest is keep coming back to TuD, where there are so many wonderful peeps, like ar.

Comment by acidrock23 on October 1, 2011 at 12:32pm

You are very welcome Gina! I'll toss that Shakespeare quote out there:

"For he to-day that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile, this day shall gentle his condition..." Henry V

Comment by kphil06 on October 2, 2011 at 4:21pm

Take it one day at a time. Don't beat yourself up about the past... keep it in the past. The present is all you can change, and try to remember how the present can affect your future. Take baby steps. Use resources online and in your inner circle. My problem was similar to yours and was mostly due to denial (I was also 17 at Dx). After 4 DKAs and ICU trips... I still was not testing/eating right. I'm "on the wagon" (so to speak) now but still have some bad days. My jeans are a bit tighter, but I've stopped gaining weight and now am just trying to tweak things to burn it off the old fashioned way with diet and exercise.

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