I wrote this January 30, 2010 after a 4 day stint in the hospital due to getting Ketoacidosis...and the reason I got Ketoacidosis is because I wanted to lose weight and I wanted to lose it fast. Needless to say, I learned my lesson after not being able to breathe...please don't judge, I've learned my lesson. :) But, I continue to struggle with checking my blood...

I'm doing it. I'm finally doing it. After years of denial, pain, anguish, and frustration. The never-ending question of why me? I'm doing it. I'm taking care of myself. I'm doing what I can to live for the people I love. I'm learning to love myself. I'm learning to see myself as worth it. Worth the pain of pricking myself with countless needles. Worth the pain of seeing those horrible, scary numbers. Worth the pain of seeing the bruises on my body and accepting it. I'm learning to ask for help. I wish I could control this disease by myself, on my own, with no support. But, I can't. I need the prayer. I need the support and love. I need my family and husband. I need the motivation. I know this disease doesn't only affect me. I know it affects the ones who love me most. The guilt that brings me is sometimes unbearable. However, I hope to never feel that guilt again. Now that I'm one step closer to being in control...and I know I'm doing what I can. That's all anyone can ask for. That's all I can do. I know I won't always be motivated, but, I can promise I will never let myself get out of control again. I was able to eat whatever I wanted and do whatever I felt like for years; and it seemed I was free... but it never left my mind; the consequences of what I was doing. The fear was always there. I wasn't free. I was paralyzed by my fear. And it feels so good to let it go...thanks to everyone for their prayers and love. A special thank you to my mother who has always been there, through my temper tantrums and tears...and always understanding. For never giving up on me and just loving me. Me. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Views: 16

Comment by Robyn on November 16, 2010 at 7:11pm
Simple.... Honey, You are worth anything and everything to be alive, for you and the many that love you.
Comment by Tim on November 17, 2010 at 9:48am
those are great words from Robin. Desiree, we're glad you are here! Just like your mom never gave up on you, never give up on yourself. You CAN do this.
Comment by Dana Clark on November 17, 2010 at 6:42pm
wonderful writing and message! Have you thought of how much you are helping others learn to COPE and TAKE CONTROL? :) Well, you are. You must control it so it doesn't control you or your actions. It's worth it- your worth it. You can have a wonderful life with your awesome attitude. I've gotten married, had kids, work full time and kick ass daily in my life! :) I recently went on the Omnipod pump after shots for 15 years. You should look into it- it has been AMAZING for control and essentially you take 1 shot every 3 days (10 a month). You can rock that pump- I do. there is an Omnipod group here if you want to check it out.
Comment by Jason Sandeman on November 18, 2010 at 4:04am
Congrats Desiree! I know that checking your blood is a PITA. What helped me was to just accept that I had to do it, and that I have a leg up on everyone else. I could care less what people think when I whip my kit out in front of everyone to check out my levels. I also get a sick sense of satisfaction knowing what is on the go, almost like I am in tune with my body. Very empowering!
Keep it up, and remember that you are the star of your show!
Comment by Seth on November 18, 2010 at 10:44am
I had a similar experience myself. I had a habit of going off insulin for that rapid weight loss. But last time it ended in DKA and 5 days in the hospital. I took charge went on a CGM (Dexcom!) and pump (OmniPod!) and have better control than I have had in 15 years. I know it is hard but you must continue to do it.
Comment by boedica on November 18, 2010 at 5:31pm
"""applause"""
Comment by Desiree on November 19, 2010 at 1:30pm
Thanks everyone :)
Seth-I can't wait to speak to the dr about possibly going on a CGM...I'm one of those who HATES checking my blood for fear of looking at that high number. But, with a CGM I could just see my glucose start to rise and fix from there...BEFORE i get to 300 and higher...
I still struggle with the thoughts of omitting insulin...but, I've gotten better and I definitely think twice...especially since I'm still paying hospital bills from my DKA.
Thanks to all you guys for your support!
Comment by Doris D on November 20, 2010 at 8:04pm
I really miss my mom b/c she was ALWAYS there for me. Look like u got it together. KEEP GOING!!!! Yes it's hard but we're HARDER!!
Comment by Jovanni de Jesus on November 24, 2010 at 11:30am
Well, I am glad you are doing okay. Take care now!
Comment by Samantha Frena Levitt on October 30, 2011 at 10:50pm
thats awesome i am finally doing it too i have felt the same way you have!!!!

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