I get off the tube and onto the bus. I am so exhausted that I don't feel like I'll make it to the front door. With every step I can feel my heart rate increase and I remember what my doctor said about the imbalance of electrolytes causing a heart attack not in a years time, not in a months time but maybe tommorow and that was last week. I struggle to open my front door I am so weak. Its 7.30pm I throw myself on the bed and drift off to sleep wondering if I'll wake up.
9pm: I wake up and have to bolt to the toilet and urinate for an abnormally long time as usual. My genitals itch with the thrush that dogs me constantly, I want to rip them off . I have stomach cramps but they're not from any menstruation issues as I've not had a period for well over a year now. I look in the mirror and see dead eyes, flaky skin and as I run my hands through my hair a big clump comes out in my hand. I go back to bed in the knowledge that I will not have a good nights sleep but rather one that is broken with frequent toilet breaks and if I'm having a really bad night, trips to the fridge, more sugar.
6:30am I have to set my alarm for this time even though I do not have to get out of bed till 8. It takes me this long to summon the will to get up. When I do its back to the toilet again and then straight on the scales. I am a lot lighter than I was yesterday. My BMI is below that needed for an anorexia diagnosis. I am severly underweight yet I look in the mirror and all I see is fat. I know that I am also Body Dismorphic. I call in sick to work... again... I know that soon I won't have a job anymore .... just like I don't see my friends anymore.... just like I don't play in my band anymore... just like I don't have a boyfriend anymore. I realise I have lost everything to the monster in my head. I wonder how much of me is left up there. I can't do it anymore. It's get better or throw my arms out to death and welcome it.... I sit my room crying and rocking for what seems a lifetime....I choose life..... I cry some more and I promise myself that today will be different, today will be the day that this stops and I mean it so I do something I've not done for too long. I inject. I cry, I cry a lot and and I vow to look for new ways to beat this. I am going to talk about it, scream about it, get mad, cry even more and probably screw up but I am at least going to try.
I am angry. I have tried to reach out, to speak to other suffers. Apparently no one wants to talk about this eating disorder. I have emailed all the big forums to see if they would set up a Diabetic ED board and all of them have said no, 'We can not provide that due to the medical nature of your ED' apart from one that wasn't accepting new members. I have been berated by sufferers of other EDs. It reminds me of the last time I was hospitalised and begged my doctor not to discharge me because I couldn't be trusted, his response, 'I'm sorry but we just don't have anywhere to put you.''Well, I see this as an illness , just like any other ED and I think that I and others like me deserve a community where we can support each other in a bid to try an overcome this most serious combination of diseases