I am usually varying between different levels of wanting to die and desperately wanting to find my way and live. Lately I've been wanting to find my way and live, but I've found that the universe is cruel. I've always been interested in the medical field. I've wanted to go to school to be a physician assistant or a doctor, but it's just too expensive and out of my reach. Well lately I've had a dream of mine that I thought I killed a long time ago come back - that of being a paramedic or EMT. I was also told a long time ago that there was absolutely no possibility of this because I was a type 1 diabetic, so I let it go (letting go is much easier when you're a kid might I add). It's back now though, and I can't get my mind off of it. I literally cannot stop thinking about how I might work around any challenge or block I might be presented with, but if there's a law against diabetics being paramedics then I'm sunk. I'm just...ugh, my mind is just running all the time. I need to find a path for my life because I'm getting old and I haven't done anything. I need to make a difference. I need to feel like I haven't been a failure. Can you see how I'm kinda just flipping back and forth between suicide and life? I can't do this anymore. I live for other people (I take care of my ailing parents, and I'm not trying to complain about that but...) and I always have, and I need to do something for me. Is that incredibly selfish? Is this a wrong attitude to have? I know I screwed my life up royally when I didn't go to college right away after high school. I was depressed, didn't care about anything, and didn't plan on being around past 25 at the very most. I have nothing to show for my waste of a life, and I'm so sorry for what might happen because of it. I hate this.