I guess I'm feeling my age lately, so perhaps some of you might appreciate some Seniors' Moments:
1- An elderly man went to his family doctor complaining that he couldn't hear anything out of his left ear. His doctor asked him some questions about his symptoms which appeared to be minimal with the exception of his complaint that he couldn't hear from the one ear.
So the doctor got his scope out and told the senior that he was going to check out the offending ear.
After peering deeply into the man's ear the doctor finally said, "Well I see the problem here. The reason you can't hear out of your left ear is that there is a suppository stuck in there."
"Is that all!" the elder patient exclaimed. "Now I know what I did with my hearing aid!!"
2- Another senior fellow was attending his regular physical check up by his new physician (having outlived the former GP).
After a thorough examination, the doctor asked the older fellow, "My file indicates that you are a 72 year old man and for a man of your years, you are in remarkably good condition. Do you mind if I ask what your father died of?"
The older gaffer responded "Well, what makes you think my father is dead? He's over 90 now and he's still doing quite well, thank you".
"Oh" the doctor backed off awkwardly, "Well, if that's the case, might I then ask what it was that took the life of your grandfather?"
Annoyed, the elder patient answered "And why would you assume my Grandfather is dead? He is alive and healthy at 112 years of age -in fact he's even getting married to a young lady next week"
Aghast, the doctor asked "At his age? Why would he want to do that?"
And the old fellow quickly retorted "What makes you think he WANTS to?"
3- An elderly couple on a date, got romantic one night and struggled upstairs to a hotel room. After a long climb, she sat down on the bed and unbuttoned her blouse with some difficulty and removed it. Then she spent some time to take off her bra.
Finally when she was naked to waist, she told her date, "I want you to know that I have acute angina".
He said "I sure hope so, because your tits are some ugly".
4- Three old guys were comparing their health. The first old fellow said, "I wish I could have just one healthy pee."
The second old guy added "I wish I could have just one healthy poo.
The third fellow bragged "Every morning I have a pee at 8 a.m. and then a healthy poo at 9 am.... I just wish I could wake up before noon."
5- How about the aged couple that decide to get married after losing their respective spouses to death, and then move to Florida. As they are were talking through the sharing of household expenses and other miscellaneous things (they were both relatively well off with each one having retirement income), Jane asked Harold what they should do about their own houses.
"Well, we ought to each sell our homes and then we can each put half the purchase price into our new home."
Harold then asked Jane what she'd like to do about the grocery bills.
She said "Neither one of us eats very much, so maybe we ought to split that bill on a monthly basis," to which he agreed.
Then what about the utility bill? Same sharing response.
Finally Jane asked Harold what he wanted to do about the sex thing, and he replied "Oh, infrequently".
So of course, Jane couldn't help but ask: "Harold, was that one or two words?"
6‑ An elderly man told his doctor he was planning on marrying a woman of 30 and did he have any suggestions.
"Yes," said the doctor "I would advise you to take in a boarder".
A year later at his 80th year check‑up, the doctor asked how everything was going.
The senior answered "Fine, my wife is pregnant".
The doctor remarked, "So you took my advice and took in a boarder?"
"Yes I did," was the reply, "And she's pregnant also....."
7- An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some counselling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could be saved. The counsellor did her best, but to no avail. The old folks were absolutely determined to go through with separation leading to divorce.
Finally, in some desperation, the counsellor said: "But you're 95 and your wife is 93. You've been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??"
The wife thought for a minute and replied: "We haven't been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up."
8- An old couple went to the doctor for their yearly physicals. One at a time, the doctor brought them into the examination room, starting with the husband. "Well, Mr. Smith, you're in great shape for a man your age," said the doctor.
The man replied, "Well doc, I don't drink, I don't smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me."
"What do you mean?" asked the doctor.
The old man said, "For instance, last night in the middle of the night, I had to get up to go to the bathroom, and the good Lord turned on the light for me so I wouldn't fall down."
"That's nice," said the doctor, confused. "Please send your wife in now."
The wife came in and the doctor said, "Mrs. Smith, you're in great shape for a woman your age." She then said, "Well doc, I don't drink, I don't smoke...."
The doctor interrupted, "And the good Lord looks after you, right?"
The woman was confused and said, "What are you talking about?"
The doctor explained, "Your husband was just telling me the same thing. He said that the good Lord looks after him. Like last night when he had to go to the bathroom, the good Lord turned the light on for him."
"Damn!" she yelled. "So, he's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
9- An 80‑year old couple decided they wanted to have one more child. The wife suggested they discuss this with their doctor, so they visited with her.
Their doctor first suggested that the man have a sperm count check to see if he had enough ammunition. She gave the old man a jar and said, "Take this in that room and provide me with a sperm specimen."
After 30 minutes of grunting, groaning, and screaming behind the door, the old man appeared, obviously disheveled. "Doctor, can I bring my wife in with me?" he asked.
"Sure, what-ever helps!" the doctor replied.
The old man's wife entered the room with the old man, and closed the door. Sure enough; another 30 minutes of grunting, groaning and screaming ensued. Then the couple opened the door and stepped out of the room, sweat beading on their foreheads, their clothes wrinkled and obviously frustrated... The old man handed the jar to the doctor.
The doctor took one look at the jar and said, "The jar is empty. Didn't you have any luck?"
The old man replied, "Doctor, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right, I tried with both hands. My wife tried with her left hand, she tried with her right, she tried with both hands. She tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out. We just could't get that lid off the jar."
10- A guy gave his 85 year old father a surprise visit from a call‑girl. "Hi, I'm here to give you super sex"
"Um, thanks, I'll take the soup"
11- Three old men were being tested on their mental acuity. The first guy was asked "What's 3 X 3?" and he answered "156".
The examiner told him that wasn't quite right and asked the second old guy the same question. This senior answered "Tuesday".
Again he was told his answer was incorrect and the third old guy was asked the same question. He answered quickly "9".
When the examiner asked him how he arrived at this correct answer, the old guy said, "Simple, I just subtracted 156 from Tuesday".
12- A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member whom he had not seen for some years. She welcomed him into the parlour. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it.
Astonished and shocked, he quickly turned away. But after tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it.
"Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last year I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter."
13- A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
14- A man went to visit his 85‑year‑old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asked.
"Feeling fine," said the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all‑‑nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson was puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushed off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing?" he asked, "I'm told you're giving an 85‑year‑old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replied the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."