Allright..Here i write here tonight. I've just hit some kind of bottom.
I've developed..a fear , well a phobia, of meds. After my recent hospitalization, something happened inside of me and, i began to have that extreme fear of the effects of the meds. To the point of...not being able to inject insulin anymore.
I talked about it with the doctor. They told me that...they felt helpless, since i went sick several times after that, and still......i was not able to inject the insulin. They got i think, discouraged with me.
Last year, i spent the whole xmas time there at the hospital because i had severely high ketones. I was so sick , it was hell. They went on such tight insulin protocol with me, that i had lows after lows. It was not a life anymore, just the shadow of a life.
Tonight..for some reason, i felt a sparkle of courage within me. I have spent days now in the 400's, barely eating not to raise it. I'm tired. I'm a type 2 btw. Now..i feel i could have the courage in my heart to use insulin again. I KNOW it sounds silly to you perhaps, scared of using insulin all in a sudden. But it's what i'm going trough right now, that's my reality. I'm not mentally ill or anything. I've just let a fear take control of my rationality.
I'd love to gather more than a bit of courage because...i know i could let the fears take on me again, and let this situation worsen. I'm so scared.
So maybe..some words from you could motivate, i don't know..I feel like i'm throwing a bottle in the ocean now. I'm so sad with diabetes, i think i never accepted it. I never passed the stage of anger i had at first. I should have evolved or grow up, but, i remained childish about the whole thing.
I'm a mom, my girl is 16, and...i wanna live on, i wanna see her get married, hold my grand child one day. But if i keep going like that, i already have heart issues, i won't be able to.
Damn fear..if i knew they'd get me there, i'd have seek for help sooner.
Lavander, I'm so sorry you're feeling so crappy. I can actually feel your fear. I've never gone as far as you, haven't stopped taking insulin, but I do have periods when I am a bit anxious about putting so much 'stuff' in my body.
You said in your post I'm a mom, my girl is 16, and...i wanna live on, i wanna see her get married, hold my grand child one day. That's what'll get you back on track. I know it sounds trite, but if you can do what you fear, the fear will lessen a bit each time. The spark of courage you feel tonight is a good sign that you're starting to overcome the fear/funk.
I don't think you're childish, I think you're human. Diabetes... most aspects of it... take a lot of courage, a lot of attention, a lot of choosing to plow through fears and unpleasantness, and it gets old! I admire your courage for posting, and asking for support. You have 20,000+ family members here who all feel for you, and support you.
Take that spark of courage and inject once. Don't think about tomorrow, or the next time... just one at a time. When you do, please post so we can jump up and down for you and pat you on the back for starting the upward climb.
Virtual hugs to you, and know that I'm sending you strength.
LB - It's amazing how powerful the mind can be - to the point of being overwhelming. Sounds like you are looking at your situation with open eyes and obviously you have much to look forward to in your life. Damned mind "games!" Hang in there.
On another note: I see you're from Quebec. WOW! We were up there in October as part of a 3 week trip. Absolutely gorgeous.
I do not live in Quebec city, but in small village called Shipshaw. So to speak, i live in the woods. ( i have a fox that is almost my pet actually.. )
Thank you for your kind words...
From what you've written, you're driving in the dark. Meaning you can't see how your body is reacting to the insulin/ meds. If this is getting worse for you and harder to see, then you should consider a cgm (continuous glucose monitor)
I've lived with type1 for 42 years and the best thing I ever did for my health and mental health was get a dexcom. Why doctors don't recommend it for type2 on injections is beyond me!! With my dexcom, I can see where my blood sugar is going and take appropriate action well before I bottom out, or get too high. It's like having eyes to the inside of my body and I feel so much more in control. My a1c dropped from 7.3 to 6.3 in two months. The data is important in helping you understand how your body reacts to things in daily life.
You should check it out, http://dexcom.com/
I think you misunderstood my problem...I monitor my BG very well, several times a day.
My problem is, that i'm scare of meds, therefore..i can't use insulin anymore....Trough a pump or injections, it's the same fear for me....The meds are still going in my body, and it gives me terrible panic attacks, i faint and all.
And i'm very poor, i live in Canada, i cannot buy a pump at all. Alone with my daughter here, recently separated. I had to move from my nice home to an apartment, and i struggle to make it every month. So i don't think i can afford a pump and it's supplies.
I cannot help with advice on insulin, I'll leave that to those who take it.
I hope you soon decide to take it again. In the meantime, would you mind expanding on this:
I have spent days now in the 400's, barely eating not to raise it.
Exactly what did you eat and drink today? In excruciating detail. And what numbers did you see? I realise you need insulin, but until you take it again, possibly we can improve your menu a bit without you starving.
Cheers, Alan, T2, Australia
Everything in Moderation - Except Laughter
I second Alan. Lavandar, post and let us know what's up, we care.
If you are still going through this mental pain, I believe that this is what needs to be addressed first. You apparently have anxiety disorder, most likely coupled with depression. This is likely causing your medication phobia and may also be affecting the success of any treatment plan you may have.
I know that cost is a factor and I don't know the medical system in Canada (I am a health insurance agent in the USA), but treatment for these disorders can be done at a low cost. Treat the mental pain and you will be in a better position to deal with your physical challenges.
Best of luck!
I think you're in an emotional place right now that I'm not able to relate to. I wish I knew the right things to say, but I don't. The best I can offer is this: First, is it the insulin or the actual injection that you're afraid of? If it's the latter, get someone to help. Your wonderful daughter perhaps. Remember, insulin is not medication like other prescriptions. It is a hormone that your body makes naturally, just not in a sufficient quantity. It's not some laboratory concoction of a mix of odd chemicals.
Second, what you said towards the end sums it all up. Do it for your child. I resisted going on an insulin pump for years, but when I learned my wife was pregnant with our first child, I took the leap and did it. Now I've got two (see my blog post, What Really Matters in Life) and I would do anything in the world for them. I try taking care of myself, not as well as perhaps I could, but I do my best so I can be there for my two boys.
There's nothing wrong with getting discouraged about diabetes every once in awhile. It happens to all of us. Don't get discouraged about being discouraged, or it will consume you. I offer you emotional support, and hope you can get any other assistance you may need to get over this hurdle.
Hi LavenderBlue, I can sorta understand your fears. Although I don't suffer the fear that you describe I have always had concerns about the oral diabetic meds. But with insulin its different because it is a natural hormone and not some concoction dreamed up in a laboratory. I have few fears about taking insulin and I address them by testing often. I don't fear that it's causing body damage. As for the oral meds I continue to take them because I am a father and a grandfather and like you I wish to see my children prosper and see my grandchildern grow up.
If you can, Please for yourself and your daughter muster the strength to take that first injection. It'll only be a first step but thats the way we all learned to walk, one step at a time.
If you do the injection please post again about how you feel afterwards. Like jrtpup said you have 20,000+ family members here to support you and help you sort thru your feelings.
Wishing you strength and luck
Lavender, I understand where you're at. Totally. Sometimes it feels like I just live on pills to keep me and this diabetes thing under control. Do it for your daughter and your yet to be born grandchildren, your daughter will want you there when she has a new baby, she will want her Mum to help her through those first few confusing days. Hugs, Maureen
Lavander its ok to feel scared. Dont let this take over your life. You have to Proove that you are stronger. You have to think of those that love and care about you, dont let this stupid disease ruin your life. you have to show it whos boss. things will get better just keep your head held high and check your blood sugars and give yourself shots.