I'm embarrassed. It might be that I am too preoccupied with other things, or that maybe I'm in denial (which doesn't seem possible after 12 years), but I don't take care of myself-- at all.
I think my mother and I still live 10 years ago, as far as what we recall to be new technology coming out regarding diabetes.

For the past few years I've been letting my health slip further and further out of control. I've gotten to the point that I don't check my bloodsugar for days on end. I wing my insulin intake. If I feel high, I'll shoot up some guesstimated amount.. and if I feel low, I eat. Needless to say, High is more often the case.
I take my 38 units of lantus anywhere between 8-11pm every night.
and, keep this quiet, instead of keeping records for my doctor I make them all up. Yes. I finally admit it. I'm a dirty liar. And I know very well how to work the system.
I'm just lazy. That has to be it. It's not difficult to make it habitual to keep things in order. I know this because once upon a time I had good control.
My trouble: I can't bring myself to create the good habit again.

My A1c has fluctuated over the past 5 years between 7.4 (That was a pleasant surprise) and 11.
For the past year or so my highest has probably been 10.2 and I tend to average at a solid 9.

I don't talk to anyone with diabetes or has been "touched" by diabetes, except my endocrinologist. But I'd like to?
Despite the fact that I made this account last year, I haven't done a thing with it.
and I'm looking for some help snapping back into reality because I really need to get it together. For a number of reasons. One being that I'm going off to school this fall. The main reason is that I'm tired of feeling horrible all the time.

So. If anyone has some kind of comment letting me know that I'm not the only one who sucks at taking care of himself/herself, or any ideas of how I can get back into the swing of more control. I'd really appreciate it.
Even if I have to start at the bottom up.
Baby-steps are good. Because I don't think I can get any worse than this.

Thank you (I hope I wasted no one's time).

Tags: control, diabetic, help, worst

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Welcome Paige! You are NOT alone!! The good news is that you can decide to improve any day!

I find that checking in with people in this community gives me lots of reminders to stay in control.

I know a lot about diabetes and I love to research things. As my endo put it, I know what I SHOULD do. It's a matter of actually deciding to do it. I can tell you what I SHOULD eat, how much I SHOULD bolus and when to keep stable blood sugars.

Tonight I was feeling stressed and decided to eat popcorn and lots of chocolate for dinner. I enjoyed it. That is not OK and I do not encourage ANYONE to do this. Sometimes I wonder why I do things that I know that I shouldn't. My energy and motivation to manage life with diabetes comes in waves. I'm preparing for pregnancy in the next couple years and improved my A1c A LOT. So now I know that I CAN do it. I just have to choose to and stick to it.

Choosing is the easy part for me. Sticking to it is the hard one.

I have found that being in touch with other people with diabetes helps a lot and motivates me. So my best advice is to USE this community. Vent when you are frustrated. Share when you have a great blood sugar. Admit when you made mistakes. We are here to care for each other and support each other and encourage each other to live healthier!

If I were you, I would start with a plan of WHEN to measure your blood sugar and stick to it! One great piece of advice that I got: WHENEVER you see a high blood sugar on that meter, say out loud, "I'M GLAD THAT I CAUGHT IT!!" and correct it. Sounds silly, but it trains you to have more positive testing experiences.

I try not to think of testing my blood sugar as a test of how I am doing, but rather as a way to improve. If it's good smile, if it's bad, try to smile knowing that NOW you can act to get it lower. If it's low, then go eat quickly :)

Keep us posted on how you are doing!

I think that everytime I want to eat chocolate, I'm going to try brussel sprouts instead (I actually like them!). That will be my project :) I'll keep you posted!
By the way, I was thinking of a starting a discussion:
"I am not perfect. Far from it."
tonight.

(After my popcorn + chocolate dinner)
Your post made me feel not alone :)
I like your discussion suggestions. Finding tu diabetes site has helped me get over "im not perfect" thing. I want to live my life with Diabetes.
Paige, I did not take care of my type 1 for years while I took care of others. My A1c was 9.3 even though I took my meds and checked I just did not correct the highs for fear I would go low and have no help if I passed out. I felt awful but got used to it. Now that I am trying to get control back I feel worse then I did when I was high all the time. It makes it hard to fight for better numbers but I know I will get used to the lower numbers just like I did the higher ones. You will never waste anyone's time with honesty :) If now you are willing, can or have to then take small steps. Work on your afternoon BG or night or whatever a bit at a time so you don't get overwhelmed. I did that a couple of times and it made it very hard to continue with my care for myself.

I am better then I was but not as good as some hopefully tomorrow I will be a bit better then today.
Be well and be loved you are

Laura, First sentence in your response = same as me.

Hi Paige,
Thank you for coming to your family and asking for help. You have gotten some good advice. When Kristen starts that discussion I want you to get into it. The reason I want you to make some changes is that if you feel really bad right now, it is nothig compared to what will happen given more time. i don't want you to be that ill.
You have made a good beginning here now. Start with the way Kristen told you, Laura told you baby steps And Lois told you that you are loved. And you are Paige. We all understand. And we are a huge family who loves you unconditonally. It doesn't matter what you have done in the past. We will help you to make it better. You have told us you are willing and ready to change things. Okay. We will all help. Come back and keep reading this page until it sticks in your mind. There are very valuable things to remember here.
If you can manage, come back and tell us each day how things have gone for the day. We can help you to make small little changes each day until you have things in the way that is good for you and the way you want them to be. You don't have to get everything right overnight. Remember that Laura said baby steps. That is the way you climb a mountain and it is the way you eat a whole elephant. Little steps, baby steps. But the love and support you will get from us will be huge. There is absolutely nothing we can't get through together.
We are with you Paige. I am sending you big loving hugs
Paige, welcome to our little site.

First and foremost you are not the worst diabetic ever. I may be. i was type 1, using insulin and refused to see a doctor or test my BS for over 20 years. So if you feel like a failure you can put that aside. Now i am not saying that was the right thing to do. I am paying a high price for that decision adn I wish I could do it over.

Here is what helped me. First I was afraid of the disease and spent my time in denial. So I sought therapy. Many of us need someone to talk to so we stop sabotaging ourselves. Second, go to the Endo and ask about a pump. A pump ultimately solved most of my issues because it requires constant attention. Since my disease requires constant attention I put it into the pump something that became my substitute for the disease. Finally talk and stay open. This is good family, respnd to posts, help others get in a trail, for me it helped me to knwo I was doing something for others. I may be in denialm, others depend on me.

Oh and in case you wonder if I am a good disabetic and am cured? I remain in therapy and have been there for over five years. this is a struggle, but it beats the alternative.

Rick Phillips
Thanks Rick.

I was a pump user for.. five years? I eventually got tired of wearing it (I went through a couple models) and decided to let go. And ultimately, if I wasn't committed to it, it was a good decision to let it go. I feel better unattached to something.

again, thanks so much for your support.
everybody slips up, but if we realize what we're doing wrong and start banishing all our evil thoughts that pop in our head and we start getting stubborn then maybe we can start being good. I know everything i'm supposed to do to, i sound like a freaking textbook sometimes. i have trouble being good, but eventually i guess you get sick of being sick. I guess the best thing to do with diabetes and to make yourself do what you have to do no matter how much it sucks. i've cried and shouted because i didn't want to check my sugar once, and after i was done i checked it. My problem is keeping a schedule, but i know if i don't do what i'm supposed to i'll feel worse. Living your life and applying the knowledge you know is the best revenge for diabetes. Remember diabetes is part of you not the end of you. We have to transform our negatively and anger into a constructive energy ball that will destroy and banish all the bad stuff we deal with. Yes it's hard but life is better when you have the upper hand. I had a doc ask me if i wanted die after she heard i wasn't doing what i was suppose to, i said no. So if i'm not going to let myself rot away then i got to be grown up and do what i have to. that doesn't mean i won't fail, it just means that when i do i have to pick myself back up and get back on track. Good luck. DOMO
Aw, Kristin. I was with you in spirit during your chocolate and popcorn dinner. I am riding 321 (when I rarely go over 200 most days) because I splurged tonight on high-fat Greek take-out, complete with blueberry cake for dessert. So not only do I feel sick, but I'm a mean, cranky, little b*st*rd tonight (that's my best self-description right now).

Paige, you are SOOO not alone and I think many of us would fight you for the championship title some days. I have been there - whether it's at this current point in my life when it's just a fleeting bad-choice, bad-sugar, bad-day, or when it has been months or years even of "blind bolusing" without really knowing a BG or a carb count, or eating what I wanted when I wanted and not bolusing for it, etc., etc.

You are not alone. How to dig yourself out? That's the hard part. The things that helped me were (#1) the man I married. When we met, he was so into nutrition that I started taking note of what I was eating. It helped to have someone to be good with and for. He would remind me to take insulin on dates after we ate if he'd noticed I'd forgotten. I needed to be in a place and with someone I trusted who could play the policeman and take the heat on the days I didn't appreciate it. Maybe there is a person in your life - a roommate, a partner, a friend, a family member - who could accept this partial accountability role until you get on your feet.

#2 was having a great doctor who was patient with me and had a gentle bedside manner. She would listen as I would start out defensively explaining myself, counsel and talk about my life, then sit with me while tears streamed down my face as I admitted to eating an entire bag of hershey kisses the day before. I found myself wishing I could do better for both of us. #3 was finding a CDE I could click with who worked within the parameters of MY life and did not forcefit my life into the parameters of my diabetes. I needed to know specific targets before and after meals, specific meters or pumps that worked with my lifestyle, flexibility. I needed to feel like diabetes could fit into my life the way it had in my childhood.

#4 was making a promise to myself over a year ago that I would not EAT a bite of food or BOLUS a drop of insulin unless I knew what my sugar was. Testing. I made a commitment to test. From there, the improved control in my sugar levels was reward enough to make me then want to eat differently to make those numbers stay in place. From there, it made me want to find other non-compliant folks who were just like me (which is where my #5 - TUDIABETES - comes in!). And then here I learned tricks about bolusing my insulin earlier (I love you forever, Kristin!!!) and ta-da! my numbers are even better-er-er. With each baby step of success, I'm fueled to do something better in the next phase.

I hope you find what you're looking for. Test. Find a testing buddy who you can tell your real numbers to without lying - even if it's a diary.
Lots of good advice here!!

Testing is really key. In my wilder days, I eat whatever I want and try to bolus enough (without actually calculating), but I actually force myself to test MORE often.

When my endo saw weeks of REALLY high blood sugars, she thought that my control was horrible. But then she noticed that I always corrected and brought them into control ASAP. Of course, she wasn't happy about the highs (nor was my body), but she could even admit that the only way that I remained with some control on my blood sugar was with frequent testing.

About the bolusing early (this may be a later baby step, but I find bolusing 20 minutes before a meal, or more if I am high, can almost eliminte being high after a meal) is really a "pass it forward" project. Like Melissa, I learned about this on TuDiabetes and I am eternally indebted to Toni Crebbin, who taught me this! That's one of the reasons, this community is so great :)
You did NOT waste anyones time at all Paige.... being honest here at tudiabetes will help you to take the first steps in being honest with yourself....and we are all routing for you!

As some of the others said speaking to a counselor or a CDE can help you get back on track, then you can share your tips and secrets of success with all of us ;-) ... we have all had our emotional ups and downs throughout living with diabetes... please know we are here for you... baby steps = giant leaps :)

big hugs sweetie!
Jaimie

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